Sexual Assault that happened to Ruth Evelyn
https://www.facebook.com/danceruth/posts/10154155168885848
Content Warning: Description of Sexual Assault
I know that this is long, but please read the entire thing before commenting. I am happy to answer questions via email at danceruth at gmail dot com. If you want to talk with me in person or over the phone, please schedule a time in advance with me via e-mail, rather than just bringing up the topic.
Thank you in advance for your patience if my response time is delayed to messages, comments or questions- I am attempting to carry on with my life as well as responding to everything this generates.
Dear Dancers,
My name is Ruth Evelyn. I love dance. I can say that over the years that I have been involved with various partner dance communities, dance has given me most of my important friendships, relationships, and fueled the direction my life took. I currently teach dance (blues and swing dances, Franklin Method, and body care) full time, both locally and traveling around the world. Because the dance world is my life and livelihood, this is a very scary post to write. One of my friends asked me why I decided to do it- if it would make me feel better. To be honest, I don't think that it will. I am writing this because I don't think that what happened to me was isolated, and I want to be a part of stopping this from happening to other people in the future. I want to help protect the magic of the swing dance world.
At Lindy Focus 2014, I surveyed the swarm of sweaty, dancing people at the club night that was held on one of the official ballrooms. This was the year that it was officially sanctioned, and alcohol-free. People danced in swarms or pairs, enjoying their evening of club music. It was a room full of my friends, but this year I just couldn't get into it. I stood a little apart, watching, sober and fully clothed in a sweaty room full of people in club mode. A man in a suit made eye contact, and we shared a moment - two people who were watching, not part of things. It was Max Pitruzzella. He wandered towards me, and we chatted a bit. I had admired his dancing, but didn't know him at all personally. It was nice to connect, but it was hard to hear in the room, so he suggested we get a drink. I expected that we would move to the bar, but it was crowded, so it didn't seem that weird that he suggested we go to his room.
He made us both drinks and we chatted. We started talking about music, and dance, he put on a slow jazz song. We danced to it. He started kissing me, and I kissed back- it was a nice moment. He took off my shirt, and I hesitated, not sure that I wanted to be going this quickly with someone I really didn't know. Then I noticed his wedding band. I said something along the lines of "Woah, you're married." He said, "Yes, but for us it is fine." I said that I'm not sure that it is fine for me. He continued trying to convince me that it's the way dancers are- it sounded like he thought that I was quite young and new to this dance world- when I heard someone at the door. I didn't want someone else to see me with my shirt off, so I ducked into the bathroom. A minute later Max came into the bathroom. I said that I needed to go. When I tried to leave the bathroom he held the door closed, and wouldn't let me out, keeping the door closed as I tried to leave. He said that I couldn't just leave. I started feeling panicked- trying to open the door as he held it shut, but he is stronger than I am. He finally opened the door, and pulled me into the room after him. He pulled his pants down, and pushed my head down. In that moment I was afraid. I wanted fight back or run, but he is stronger than me, and likely faster. In the months since then I have searched for where I was at fault in that- where I could have done something different. In that quick, terrified moment though, I thought that maybe he would let me go with nothing worse happening if I just gave in and gave him a blow job without fighting back- so I gave in and did it. I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave, since he had already kept me in the bathroom. When he was done, I found my shirt. He walked to the door with me. "Don't expect me to pretend to be your friend tomorrow," he said. No, I thought, this wasn't a misunderstanding. "Don't expect ME to pretend to be YOUR friend," I said.
I went to my room and cried. When my dance partner Mike asked what was wrong, I said it had been nothing- just made decisions that I wished I hadn't. I desperately wanted the situation to be due to my own stupidity, not someone using fear and size to assault me. Not from someone who had been interesting and kind, someone who had seemed interested in me as a person.
The next day Max passed me in the hall, and looked the other direction. Later in the week, I sat at the bar with two of my friends, who happened to be instructors at the event. He looked at us, eyes widened, and gave a greeting nod in my direction. Though I can't know what was happening in his mind, this change seemed like he thought that I was someone who had no connections to people with status and power in the scene, and so would be less likely to be believed if I told people what he did to me.
I have not brought this up before now because I am afraid. I am afraid that people won't believe me, that people will blame me. I am afraid that even the people who do believe me will not hire me, because they "don't want drama." I am afraid of the people who will decide that I was a "star fucker," someone "trying to get attention," or someone "trying to get revenge." I am afraid that I will stop being the multi-dimensional person and dancer that I am, and will start being "sexual assault girl." I did not report to authorities, because what are they going to do? I had no evidence, nothing to prove anything. I told my friend, who is involved with organizing the event, but asked to remain anonymous. (I have nothing but good things to say about Lindy Focus- I appreciate their approaches to consent education.) Reflecting on the past two years, I have realized that this experience did a lot to mute my enthusiasm for lindy hop. It has made me more hesitant to attend lindy events.
I am bringing this up now, because in October 2016 I was teaching at a blues event in Spain. My dance partner, Mike, who I had since told what happened, stopped me as I was entering the ballroom, dressed in a vintage slip to perform. He said that Max was there. I immediately started crying. Mike took me to a spot out of sight, and went to get the organizer. I said something incoherent to her about asking if Max could be in a certain area, or if she would understand if I went home from the dance early- that he sexually assaulted me, and I couldn't deal with interacting with him. She said she would take care of things, and left. I gather that she asked him to leave. I do not know exactly what she said to him.
The next day, October 23rd, at 7:53pm this message was sent to me. It was sent to my Facebook "other" inbox, because I am not friends on Facebook with Max. (Never have been.) He mentions my friend Bernard in it- I want to be clear that Bernard had no knowledge of this, and has been and continues to be completely supportive of me.
"Hello
I heard you didn't want to come at the party cuz I was there, what's that about ?"
Do you know that word "Defamation"?
You can ask Bernard or any French to translate:
En France, la diffamation est use infraction pénal définie come l'<< allégation ou [l']imputation d'un fait qui porte attention á l'honneur ou á la considération de la personnel ou du corps auquel le fait est imputé >>. En l'absence de fairs imputés, il s'agit d'une injure ( art.
Well, that's all I had to tell you (anyway I know you not gonna answer)
Have fun"
This message felt like an attempt to intimidate me into silence, to make me feel like I would not be believed.
I am done with being afraid. I am not going to give into this attempt at intimidation. I am saying something now, because I have heard about other women he has assaulted since then. I am not ok with being silent any longer. I have to take the risk, and believe that our community does not want to be a place where high-profile men can sexually assault people without consequence, can hurt people without consequence, just because they are good at dancing. If I, as someone who teaches dance for a living and feels relatively established in the social scene, can feel intimidated and silenced, I hate to imagine what this kind of experience would be like for those who are actually younger, for those who actually don't know many people.
Over my years in the dance world, I have hooked up with people who were great, and people who were jerks. This did not change the consent that I gave. In this situation I did not give consent- I was coerced. This is by definition sexual assault. I understand that people make mistakes. I have room for people to learn and change. I have not seen anything that suggests that this is what happened. Instead, I have seen someone who continues to use intimidation and status to get what he wants, regardless of the hurt it causes others.
Organizers, please stop hiring this man, who has sexually assaulted me and other women. Instructors, please stop working at events who hire him. Dancers, please stop attending events where he is on staff. Please join me in preserving the magic of our dance communities.
In writing this, I think that I am more afraid of the silence of my friends than of critiques from strangers. Any likes will be interpreted as solidarity. Please feel free to share this- it is public. Translations will be available soon. As I said at the beginning, in person I would appreciate the chance to still be who I am, not as someone defined by this thing done to me, so please schedule via e-mail if you want to chat about this.
If something has happened to you and you want to talk about it or be pointed towards resources, please feel free to message me. If you want help or resources so that you can make sure that you approach sex in a consenting way, please also feel free to message me.
Content Warning: Description of Sexual Assault
I know that this is long, but please read the entire thing before commenting. I am happy to answer questions via email at danceruth at gmail dot com. If you want to talk with me in person or over the phone, please schedule a time in advance with me via e-mail, rather than just bringing up the topic.
Thank you in advance for your patience if my response time is delayed to messages, comments or questions- I am attempting to carry on with my life as well as responding to everything this generates.
Dear Dancers,
My name is Ruth Evelyn. I love dance. I can say that over the years that I have been involved with various partner dance communities, dance has given me most of my important friendships, relationships, and fueled the direction my life took. I currently teach dance (blues and swing dances, Franklin Method, and body care) full time, both locally and traveling around the world. Because the dance world is my life and livelihood, this is a very scary post to write. One of my friends asked me why I decided to do it- if it would make me feel better. To be honest, I don't think that it will. I am writing this because I don't think that what happened to me was isolated, and I want to be a part of stopping this from happening to other people in the future. I want to help protect the magic of the swing dance world.
At Lindy Focus 2014, I surveyed the swarm of sweaty, dancing people at the club night that was held on one of the official ballrooms. This was the year that it was officially sanctioned, and alcohol-free. People danced in swarms or pairs, enjoying their evening of club music. It was a room full of my friends, but this year I just couldn't get into it. I stood a little apart, watching, sober and fully clothed in a sweaty room full of people in club mode. A man in a suit made eye contact, and we shared a moment - two people who were watching, not part of things. It was Max Pitruzzella. He wandered towards me, and we chatted a bit. I had admired his dancing, but didn't know him at all personally. It was nice to connect, but it was hard to hear in the room, so he suggested we get a drink. I expected that we would move to the bar, but it was crowded, so it didn't seem that weird that he suggested we go to his room.
He made us both drinks and we chatted. We started talking about music, and dance, he put on a slow jazz song. We danced to it. He started kissing me, and I kissed back- it was a nice moment. He took off my shirt, and I hesitated, not sure that I wanted to be going this quickly with someone I really didn't know. Then I noticed his wedding band. I said something along the lines of "Woah, you're married." He said, "Yes, but for us it is fine." I said that I'm not sure that it is fine for me. He continued trying to convince me that it's the way dancers are- it sounded like he thought that I was quite young and new to this dance world- when I heard someone at the door. I didn't want someone else to see me with my shirt off, so I ducked into the bathroom. A minute later Max came into the bathroom. I said that I needed to go. When I tried to leave the bathroom he held the door closed, and wouldn't let me out, keeping the door closed as I tried to leave. He said that I couldn't just leave. I started feeling panicked- trying to open the door as he held it shut, but he is stronger than I am. He finally opened the door, and pulled me into the room after him. He pulled his pants down, and pushed my head down. In that moment I was afraid. I wanted fight back or run, but he is stronger than me, and likely faster. In the months since then I have searched for where I was at fault in that- where I could have done something different. In that quick, terrified moment though, I thought that maybe he would let me go with nothing worse happening if I just gave in and gave him a blow job without fighting back- so I gave in and did it. I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave, since he had already kept me in the bathroom. When he was done, I found my shirt. He walked to the door with me. "Don't expect me to pretend to be your friend tomorrow," he said. No, I thought, this wasn't a misunderstanding. "Don't expect ME to pretend to be YOUR friend," I said.
I went to my room and cried. When my dance partner Mike asked what was wrong, I said it had been nothing- just made decisions that I wished I hadn't. I desperately wanted the situation to be due to my own stupidity, not someone using fear and size to assault me. Not from someone who had been interesting and kind, someone who had seemed interested in me as a person.
The next day Max passed me in the hall, and looked the other direction. Later in the week, I sat at the bar with two of my friends, who happened to be instructors at the event. He looked at us, eyes widened, and gave a greeting nod in my direction. Though I can't know what was happening in his mind, this change seemed like he thought that I was someone who had no connections to people with status and power in the scene, and so would be less likely to be believed if I told people what he did to me.
I have not brought this up before now because I am afraid. I am afraid that people won't believe me, that people will blame me. I am afraid that even the people who do believe me will not hire me, because they "don't want drama." I am afraid of the people who will decide that I was a "star fucker," someone "trying to get attention," or someone "trying to get revenge." I am afraid that I will stop being the multi-dimensional person and dancer that I am, and will start being "sexual assault girl." I did not report to authorities, because what are they going to do? I had no evidence, nothing to prove anything. I told my friend, who is involved with organizing the event, but asked to remain anonymous. (I have nothing but good things to say about Lindy Focus- I appreciate their approaches to consent education.) Reflecting on the past two years, I have realized that this experience did a lot to mute my enthusiasm for lindy hop. It has made me more hesitant to attend lindy events.
I am bringing this up now, because in October 2016 I was teaching at a blues event in Spain. My dance partner, Mike, who I had since told what happened, stopped me as I was entering the ballroom, dressed in a vintage slip to perform. He said that Max was there. I immediately started crying. Mike took me to a spot out of sight, and went to get the organizer. I said something incoherent to her about asking if Max could be in a certain area, or if she would understand if I went home from the dance early- that he sexually assaulted me, and I couldn't deal with interacting with him. She said she would take care of things, and left. I gather that she asked him to leave. I do not know exactly what she said to him.
The next day, October 23rd, at 7:53pm this message was sent to me. It was sent to my Facebook "other" inbox, because I am not friends on Facebook with Max. (Never have been.) He mentions my friend Bernard in it- I want to be clear that Bernard had no knowledge of this, and has been and continues to be completely supportive of me.
"Hello
I heard you didn't want to come at the party cuz I was there, what's that about ?"
Do you know that word "Defamation"?
You can ask Bernard or any French to translate:
En France, la diffamation est use infraction pénal définie come l'<< allégation ou [l']imputation d'un fait qui porte attention á l'honneur ou á la considération de la personnel ou du corps auquel le fait est imputé >>. En l'absence de fairs imputés, il s'agit d'une injure ( art.
Well, that's all I had to tell you (anyway I know you not gonna answer)
Have fun"
This message felt like an attempt to intimidate me into silence, to make me feel like I would not be believed.
I am done with being afraid. I am not going to give into this attempt at intimidation. I am saying something now, because I have heard about other women he has assaulted since then. I am not ok with being silent any longer. I have to take the risk, and believe that our community does not want to be a place where high-profile men can sexually assault people without consequence, can hurt people without consequence, just because they are good at dancing. If I, as someone who teaches dance for a living and feels relatively established in the social scene, can feel intimidated and silenced, I hate to imagine what this kind of experience would be like for those who are actually younger, for those who actually don't know many people.
Over my years in the dance world, I have hooked up with people who were great, and people who were jerks. This did not change the consent that I gave. In this situation I did not give consent- I was coerced. This is by definition sexual assault. I understand that people make mistakes. I have room for people to learn and change. I have not seen anything that suggests that this is what happened. Instead, I have seen someone who continues to use intimidation and status to get what he wants, regardless of the hurt it causes others.
Organizers, please stop hiring this man, who has sexually assaulted me and other women. Instructors, please stop working at events who hire him. Dancers, please stop attending events where he is on staff. Please join me in preserving the magic of our dance communities.
In writing this, I think that I am more afraid of the silence of my friends than of critiques from strangers. Any likes will be interpreted as solidarity. Please feel free to share this- it is public. Translations will be available soon. As I said at the beginning, in person I would appreciate the chance to still be who I am, not as someone defined by this thing done to me, so please schedule via e-mail if you want to chat about this.
If something has happened to you and you want to talk about it or be pointed towards resources, please feel free to message me. If you want help or resources so that you can make sure that you approach sex in a consenting way, please also feel free to message me.
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